[Steve follows orders just like back then in these scenarios. He always grumbled, but did what he was told. He'd claim it was to get out of trouble, but honestly? He saw what it did to Buck and his ma. Steve could never stop standing up, but he didn't have to be a jerk about receiving help.
This time Bucky is spared the grumbles. He takes a seat and tries for a smile. They're together again. Steve should be happy. His heart doesn't feel any less broken. He keeps waiting for Nat to barge in with a line about boys and fossils. His eyes prick with tears as he hears her voice so clearly in his head.]
Sure. Get to work, Doc. [He jokes weakly. She was always funnier.]
[ the attempt is appreciated, but all bucky manages to give back for it is a faint stretch of the lips as he does exactly as he's told - he gets to work, pulling away shards of shield, cleaning the flesh that's left in their wake, carefully bandaging it. in the old days, he used to warn him that it would hurt, he doesn't bother now. nothing could hurt worse than the loss, the feeling of failure. and as much as bucky hurts? he knows full well it doesn't hold a candle to what steve is feeling.
his hands are as gentle as possible, trying to spare him any pain they can. it's a long moment of silent work before he speaks. ]
It's a big house. Preparing for a family? [ he hasn't seen any evidence of that, no pictures with a girl, let alone a girl in the flesh, but why would anyone get a place this big just to be alone in it? he remembers now, how his heart ached for steve when he had to go back home after his ma died. that apartment was small, it always felt it - even when they themselves were little - but after mrs. rogers died, it felt like the voids never ended, like they stretched and stretched to infinite space, and they could have comfortably fit the whole neighborhood in that apartment.
imagining steve alone in this big house now, for however many years it's been since he purchased it, he doesn't imagine the man in front of him - broad shouldered and strong - he pictures the boy he was, and every last ounce of his being wants to protect him from that loneliness. steve deserves better, he always did. ]
[Steve sits there in perfect stillness as Bucky works. It should hurt. He's had some nasty wounds over the years, but Thanos by far damaged him the most in every sense of the word. His mind is more occupied with the loss of Natasha than anything else. The monster hadn't directly killed her the way he had Vision. It still hurts more than any physical wound. She's no longer at his side through anything and everything. Perhaps more importantly he isn't at hers. A part of him always imagined they'd die together. They'd almost done it enough times. His mistake in retrospect had been letting her go with Clint, he thinks. Steve was always better at sacrificing himself first.
The question pulls him out of his tailspin of dark thoughts. He shakes his head heavily. He didn't realize the helmet was still on until this very moment.] No.
[Steve lets out a breath of laughter. He wanted a family still. That's the tragedy of it all. He only ever managed one with the Avengers much like Natasha. That seemed to fall apart when the children died. He should be grateful he got one back. He is truly. Steve can't feel it properly or much of anything.
Steve goes to unstrap his helmet with his good hand as he explains himself.] I, uh... I started a support group. To honor Sam. [He swallows thickly. Steve clearly never said it aloud before.] One of the guys- couldn't stand the sight of this place after he lost his family. Talked about burning it down. I think he planned on being inside when he did.
[He pries it off, tossing it to the side unceremoniously and immediately feeling guilty for it. Tony will never make another helmet. He should be gentler with it. Steve continues the story rather than keep on that train of thought.] So I told him we'd trade. He has my old apartment, I live here and keep his family's things safe for him. Everything was a mess, still is in a lot of ways, so it was as simple as taking my stuff and heading over. I'll probably need to switch back now.
[He smiles wryly. At least they have tonight. Steve would actually be okay being evicted because you can't fit kids even as little as his were in Steve's old place.]
[ bucky listens quietly, patient through the silences, attentive through the speech. he doesn't push for more, fingers continuing to deftly work on the injury. he's not surprised by any of what he's hearing; the world is full of stories just like it, he's certain, and it's a relief to learn how steve dealt with it.
he nods, offering a small smile in return. ]
Best reason for a move I ever heard.
[ the world is in trouble, it's not difficult to see. after 5 years with a halved population, it will struggle to generate enough resources to feed and tend to the needs of the sudden influx of people, and not all reunions will be sweet. it's just all the more reason to revel in the positive. ]
[The way he says it makes him smile. It makes him hope there will be a future. They'll figure where to go and what to do now that almost everyone is together again. He can look that man he'd been sharing his grief with for years and say they made it. It'll be hard, of course. People lost five years either to grief or non-existence. That can't be wiped away. Steve can see himself walking out with the family he lost to make way for a spouse and little kids. It feels good.]
Yeah... yeah. [He laughs softly, barely checking a sob. God he really wants to cry. This is all too much. If he starts again, Steve can't be sure he'll stop. He holds it in.] I don't think I can fit four people into that apartment. We'll need something bigger.
[ overwhelming emotion is a state bucky's intimately familiar with. he's always tried to repress his own feelings; a lifetime ago he would swallow down all the fears and anxiety that his friend's failing health provided in order to stand by his side and cheer him on. now, after everything he's done, the warped shape he's been twisted into, bucky just doesn't see a place for his grief, it's shoved down deep every time it dares to rear its head, fought against with all the ferocity of a howling commando and trained assassin combined.
steve's, however. if anyone deserves to let it out, it's steve. after all he's lost over and over and over again. he really wants to get down tending to his injuries so he could offer that hug. it may last right up until they have to go. ]
We'll figure it out.
[ he nods again. he'll make do with anything, he's not worrying about where he'll rest his head at night - though he knows steve would want him to have his own bed, it's just not critical to him. he can just as easily sleep on the street or find some abandoned corner. all that really matters is that in the morning he'll be able to wake up and walk to steve's door. ]
We will. [Steve agrees. He knows that for sure. He may be choking on grief, but it'll pass. He survived losing so many already. As much as it pains him, Steve knows he'll survive losing Natasha. As for Tony, well, he got used to losing him over the years. This break is simply more permanent than all the rest.
Steve sits in silence as Bucky finishes closing up the worst of his injuries. The serum will deal with the rest as they both know. His skin hasn't bore any scars since before the serum.
He only gives the bandages a quick once over before reaching over to pull Bucky in his arms for that hug. His hold is hard and unbelievably desperate. It's almost like he's afraid he'll crumble into dust or something.]
[ neither one of them is a stranger to loss; it makes them treasure what they get back all the more, and bucky leans into the hug with equal fervor, only taking it easy on steve with the unforgiving hold of his vibranium arm.
at first glance, the separation was easier on him this time, he was dead, he didn't feel it. but coming back into a world of steve's grief is worse. bucky could never atone for the crimes of the winter soldier, but steve? steve has nothing to atone for. if bucky could take on that suffering in his stead, he would have. maybe not quite in a heartbeat - but in two; one would be skipped anyway at the very thought of living in a world without steve.
after a few long moments pass, bucky pats his back, mindful of the location of the worst of the injuries.
despite everything that was lost, all the time wasted..they're here now. they're here together. it's far from perfect, and the people they're missing hang over their heads, but it's more than either of them thought they'd get, and it's enough for bucky. ]
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timeasmymeasure
:)
Date: 2019-05-09 02:01 am (UTC)This time Bucky is spared the grumbles. He takes a seat and tries for a smile. They're together again. Steve should be happy. His heart doesn't feel any less broken. He keeps waiting for Nat to barge in with a line about boys and fossils. His eyes prick with tears as he hears her voice so clearly in his head.]
Sure. Get to work, Doc. [He jokes weakly. She was always funnier.]
ily
Date: 2019-05-09 04:03 am (UTC)his hands are as gentle as possible, trying to spare him any pain they can. it's a long moment of silent work before he speaks. ]
It's a big house. Preparing for a family? [ he hasn't seen any evidence of that, no pictures with a girl, let alone a girl in the flesh, but why would anyone get a place this big just to be alone in it? he remembers now, how his heart ached for steve when he had to go back home after his ma died. that apartment was small, it always felt it - even when they themselves were little - but after mrs. rogers died, it felt like the voids never ended, like they stretched and stretched to infinite space, and they could have comfortably fit the whole neighborhood in that apartment.
imagining steve alone in this big house now, for however many years it's been since he purchased it, he doesn't imagine the man in front of him - broad shouldered and strong - he pictures the boy he was, and every last ounce of his being wants to protect him from that loneliness. steve deserves better, he always did. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-05-20 05:05 pm (UTC)The question pulls him out of his tailspin of dark thoughts. He shakes his head heavily. He didn't realize the helmet was still on until this very moment.] No.
[Steve lets out a breath of laughter. He wanted a family still. That's the tragedy of it all. He only ever managed one with the Avengers much like Natasha. That seemed to fall apart when the children died. He should be grateful he got one back. He is truly. Steve can't feel it properly or much of anything.
Steve goes to unstrap his helmet with his good hand as he explains himself.] I, uh... I started a support group. To honor Sam. [He swallows thickly. Steve clearly never said it aloud before.] One of the guys- couldn't stand the sight of this place after he lost his family. Talked about burning it down. I think he planned on being inside when he did.
[He pries it off, tossing it to the side unceremoniously and immediately feeling guilty for it. Tony will never make another helmet. He should be gentler with it. Steve continues the story rather than keep on that train of thought.] So I told him we'd trade. He has my old apartment, I live here and keep his family's things safe for him. Everything was a mess, still is in a lot of ways, so it was as simple as taking my stuff and heading over. I'll probably need to switch back now.
[He smiles wryly. At least they have tonight. Steve would actually be okay being evicted because you can't fit kids even as little as his were in Steve's old place.]
no subject
Date: 2019-05-20 06:20 pm (UTC)he nods, offering a small smile in return. ]
Best reason for a move I ever heard.
[ the world is in trouble, it's not difficult to see. after 5 years with a halved population, it will struggle to generate enough resources to feed and tend to the needs of the sudden influx of people, and not all reunions will be sweet. it's just all the more reason to revel in the positive. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-05-20 07:52 pm (UTC)Yeah... yeah. [He laughs softly, barely checking a sob. God he really wants to cry. This is all too much. If he starts again, Steve can't be sure he'll stop. He holds it in.] I don't think I can fit four people into that apartment. We'll need something bigger.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-20 08:06 pm (UTC)steve's, however. if anyone deserves to let it out, it's steve. after all he's lost over and over and over again. he really wants to get down tending to his injuries so he could offer that hug. it may last right up until they have to go. ]
We'll figure it out.
[ he nods again. he'll make do with anything, he's not worrying about where he'll rest his head at night - though he knows steve would want him to have his own bed, it's just not critical to him. he can just as easily sleep on the street or find some abandoned corner. all that really matters is that in the morning he'll be able to wake up and walk to steve's door. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-03 10:29 pm (UTC)Steve sits in silence as Bucky finishes closing up the worst of his injuries. The serum will deal with the rest as they both know. His skin hasn't bore any scars since before the serum.
He only gives the bandages a quick once over before reaching over to pull Bucky in his arms for that hug. His hold is hard and unbelievably desperate. It's almost like he's afraid he'll crumble into dust or something.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-04 05:14 am (UTC)at first glance, the separation was easier on him this time, he was dead, he didn't feel it. but coming back into a world of steve's grief is worse. bucky could never atone for the crimes of the winter soldier, but steve? steve has nothing to atone for. if bucky could take on that suffering in his stead, he would have. maybe not quite in a heartbeat - but in two; one would be skipped anyway at the very thought of living in a world without steve.
after a few long moments pass, bucky pats his back, mindful of the location of the worst of the injuries.
despite everything that was lost, all the time wasted..they're here now. they're here together. it's far from perfect, and the people they're missing hang over their heads, but it's more than either of them thought they'd get, and it's enough for bucky. ]