[ his heart clenches almost painfully at the way his proud, stubborn, friend is clinging to him now, the words pouring out of him feel like pouring lava on a forest fire. he's worried. steve hasn't slept since his ma died? it's no wonder he's hearing voices - it's a damn miracle that's all he's hearing. his grip tightens around his friend. ]
Come home with me. We'll figure everything else out after you get some sleep. [ his voice is as close to commending as it ever gets, they can't keep going like this. bucky can't bury his best friend so soon after burying the woman who was essentially a second mother to him. that's the one thing that's definitely not happening - over his cold, dead body. ]
[ In the silence that follows, Steve can almost hear his own heart thudding as he waits for Bucky to tell him he’s wrong — that he’s just imagining things, or worse yet, that he’s losing it. But no censure comes; Bucky just holds him a bit tighter, and for a moment Steve finds himself almost dozing off, lulled by the comfort and warmth of his friend’s presence.
Then Bucky speaks, and Steve jolts back to lucidity. ]
No. [ He blurts out, without thinking, spurred on by the stern tone Bucky’s got, by the implication of him going to the Barnes’s with this thing hanging over him. Like hell; he already feels bad enough having Bucky in a tainted place. ]
Bucky, it followed me home. From — [ A frustrated shake of his head, once again tripping over a word his tongue refuses to say. ] If I go to your place, it’ll … no. I ain’t leading ‘em to your folks.
[ those voices aren't going anywhere if they keep him up, they'll only get worse. bucky wishes they were physical beings, because if they were he could take them on, could fight them and end it, make it better. this helplessness is the worst. ]
I'll stay awake, I'll keep an eye out. I'm not gonna let anything get my family. [ that includes steve. so he may as well be comfortable and warm and get a hot meal out of it. ]
[ Steve tries to sound as firm as he can, but there's a shake in his voice, cold fingers tightening reflexively on Bucky's knee as if to steady himself. It's no use, either of it; he can hear the selfsame resolve in his friend's words, in the way he said family, knows that it's his back against the wall while Bucky's got the —
His mind, straining for any sort of compromise, sluggishly grabs onto that. Down on the floor, Bucky'd be left open to the darkness under the bed and on the other side of the room, and Steve wouldn't let himself sleep a wink. But the bed itself was against — ]
The wall. [ It comes out a croak, Steve lifting his head up to look blindly behind him and then back to where he senses Bucky is, struggling to explain himself. ] Bucky, if I said I'd try an' sleep, would — I mean, if you had your back to the wall, you'd ... it'd be safer.
[ understanding, bucky realizes, is a concept he needs to give up on. he can't understand what's going on with steve right now, no amount of effort will change that. sure, he's grieving too, but his ma's in bed, asleep. or possibly awake, worrying about her boys, but still - alive, safe, at home. as is his father, and his sisters - provided none sneaked out. he can't understand - not really, nor does he want to - the terror of a truly empty house.
what he can do, however, is accommodate. he doesn't have to get exactly what's going on to know that steve needs sleep and any way that gets him that - he's game. ]
Steve, if it'll get you to sleep I'll glue my back to the ceiling.
[ if steve needs his back against the wall, it's staying against the wall. just to prove it he already leans back against it. he'll move once steve is settling to sleep, to make room for him to lie down; he'll sit up against the wall on the floor. but he's not quite ready to let go of steve's shoulder yet, not until he's instructed to, or the little guy's asleep. ]
[ Bucky’s acquiescence brings no small measure of relief, and for a moment Steve just leans into him, his heartbeat slowly easing as his shoulders sag. ]
I meant … [ The mumble dies off as he wracks his bewildered, exhausted brain on how to word himself. Christ, it’s a good thing Steve’s like this. In his right mind he’d be mortified to be asking this, like some dumb kid wanting to clamber into his big brother’s bed after a nightmare, afraid to be alone. After a moment he stirs, nudging Bucky to lay lengthwise and wordlessly adjusting himself along with him until they’re face to face — or more accurately, Steve’s face to Bucky’s sternum.
There. This way, Bucky’s no longer vulnerable, and Steve’s between him and the rest of the yawning dark. ]
Didn’t wanna rope you into this. [ Hushed, the words a jumble in his head and worse out loud. ] It just ... emptiness, Bucky, even in daylight. You know? And that’s where it — eats. [ A nameless, aching despair creeps into Steve’s voice, and he cuts himself short, knowing he isn't just talking about the voices anymore. ]
[ he wasn't expecting this, and frankly bucky's not really sure what to think of it. he might fall asleep like this - it's a hell of a lot likelier than sitting up against the wall,he is pretty exhausted himself - and he wants to keep watch on steve. but this way, there's no chance in hell of him nodding off and steve getting up without him knowing, and that's not nothing. he also won't trip over him; bucky's far from done worrying about the blow steve took to his head. he might even be able to catch him, his reflexes are pretty sharp, even when violently awoken.
none of it matters though because if this is what steve needs then this is what bucky will do. the last time he comforted someone in bed like this was three winters ago, when his youngest sister crawled in there during a bad thunderstorm, but the gesture is more than familiar enough. he holds steve securely, though he skips the soothing circles he used to stroke into his sister's back ]
I rope myself. [ no one can make bucky do what he doesn't want to; that includes steve and his insistent attempts at pushing him away. ]
I'm here, buddy, and you and I we took down bigger bullies.
[ okay, so they haven't, this feels like the worst foe they've ever faced, but confidence is key. they'll face it together and they'll come out triumphant in the end. there can be no emptiness where there is friendship. ]
[ It’s gonna eat at him until the rest of him goes where part of him already is, six feet under — but that thought ain’t one that Steve’s going to follow to its conclusion, and certainly not out loud in front of Bucky. Bucky, pitting himself like a bulwark between Steve and his demons, though they’re under his skin. This isn't a bully so much as it is another illness, but whatever the hell this grief is ...
It’s not Bucky’s burden — no matter how hard he tries to help bear it — and Steve’ll let it devour him whole before he makes it so. ]
Yeah, Bucky.
[ A liquid whisper trickles into his good ear, but Steve wills himself to ignore it, shutting his eyes. Here, with his friend's arms around him, his voice strong and steady and alive, the dark seems diminished somehow. No flickering lights in his vision, no grey shadows darting just out of reach. Even the pounding of his head’s lessened like this, and Steve finds himself yawning hard, covering it with the back of his bandaged hand. ]
You don’t gotta keep an eye out. [ Quietly, inching a little closer to Bucky’s warmth as a shiver hits him, his body suddenly aware of the night chill now that the adrenalin’s wearing off. ] If you can’t hear the … you probably can’t see ‘em, either.
[ And Bucky needs sleep, too — must be drained from all this. ]
[ keeping steve alive and well and by his side - that's never a burden to bucky. losing him, that would be a burden, an unbearable weight he doesn't want to imagine carrying around and yet all the close calls they've had keep the thought in the forefront of his subconscious, ready to leap into the conscious at a moment's notice.
there's a deep seethed relief at the sound of that yawn that makes bucky smile despite everything. he pulls the covers over steve's body, not minding they leave him partly exposed to the chill - it's still warmer than sleeping outside. ]
I got you covered. [ nothing is going to get steve, not on bucky's watch. if he can't hear it or see it, then he will fight it blind and deaf, that's just how it's going to go. if he can't fight it with his fists, then he'll fight it with a warm hug and assuring presence. and if he has to, he'll bring a doctor over. steve can be stubborn but he's certain he won't throw a tantrum in front of a professional bucky's already paid for. he may not be happy about it, but both of them know better than to waste resources.
whatever it takes, bucky is going to do it. he owes steve that much, he owes mrs. rogers that much, and he owes himself that much. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-02-13 10:14 am (UTC)Come home with me. We'll figure everything else out after you get some sleep. [ his voice is as close to commending as it ever gets, they can't keep going like this. bucky can't bury his best friend so soon after burying the woman who was essentially a second mother to him. that's the one thing that's definitely not happening - over his cold, dead body. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-02-14 08:35 am (UTC)Then Bucky speaks, and Steve jolts back to lucidity. ]
No. [ He blurts out, without thinking, spurred on by the stern tone Bucky’s got, by the implication of him going to the Barnes’s with this thing hanging over him. Like hell; he already feels bad enough having Bucky in a tainted place. ]
Bucky, it followed me home. From — [ A frustrated shake of his head, once again tripping over a word his tongue refuses to say. ] If I go to your place, it’ll … no. I ain’t leading ‘em to your folks.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-17 11:25 pm (UTC)[ those voices aren't going anywhere if they keep him up, they'll only get worse. bucky wishes they were physical beings, because if they were he could take them on, could fight them and end it, make it better. this helplessness is the worst. ]
I'll stay awake, I'll keep an eye out. I'm not gonna let anything get my family. [ that includes steve. so he may as well be comfortable and warm and get a hot meal out of it. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-02-23 06:00 am (UTC)[ Steve tries to sound as firm as he can, but there's a shake in his voice, cold fingers tightening reflexively on Bucky's knee as if to steady himself. It's no use, either of it; he can hear the selfsame resolve in his friend's words, in the way he said family, knows that it's his back against the wall while Bucky's got the —
His mind, straining for any sort of compromise, sluggishly grabs onto that. Down on the floor, Bucky'd be left open to the darkness under the bed and on the other side of the room, and Steve wouldn't let himself sleep a wink. But the bed itself was against — ]
The wall. [ It comes out a croak, Steve lifting his head up to look blindly behind him and then back to where he senses Bucky is, struggling to explain himself. ] Bucky, if I said I'd try an' sleep, would — I mean, if you had your back to the wall, you'd ... it'd be safer.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-23 06:11 am (UTC)what he can do, however, is accommodate. he doesn't have to get exactly what's going on to know that steve needs sleep and any way that gets him that - he's game. ]
Steve, if it'll get you to sleep I'll glue my back to the ceiling.
[ if steve needs his back against the wall, it's staying against the wall. just to prove it he already leans back against it. he'll move once steve is settling to sleep, to make room for him to lie down; he'll sit up against the wall on the floor. but he's not quite ready to let go of steve's shoulder yet, not until he's instructed to, or the little guy's asleep. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-02-23 07:25 am (UTC)I meant … [ The mumble dies off as he wracks his bewildered, exhausted brain on how to word himself. Christ, it’s a good thing Steve’s like this. In his right mind he’d be mortified to be asking this, like some dumb kid wanting to clamber into his big brother’s bed after a nightmare, afraid to be alone. After a moment he stirs, nudging Bucky to lay lengthwise and wordlessly adjusting himself along with him until they’re face to face — or more accurately, Steve’s face to Bucky’s sternum.
There. This way, Bucky’s no longer vulnerable, and Steve’s between him and the rest of the yawning dark. ]
Didn’t wanna rope you into this. [ Hushed, the words a jumble in his head and worse out loud. ] It just ... emptiness, Bucky, even in daylight. You know? And that’s where it — eats. [ A nameless, aching despair creeps into Steve’s voice, and he cuts himself short, knowing he isn't just talking about the voices anymore. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-02-23 07:38 am (UTC)none of it matters though because if this is what steve needs then this is what bucky will do. the last time he comforted someone in bed like this was three winters ago, when his youngest sister crawled in there during a bad thunderstorm, but the gesture is more than familiar enough. he holds steve securely, though he skips the soothing circles he used to stroke into his sister's back ]
I rope myself. [ no one can make bucky do what he doesn't want to; that includes steve and his insistent attempts at pushing him away. ]
I'm here, buddy, and you and I we took down bigger bullies.
[ okay, so they haven't, this feels like the worst foe they've ever faced, but confidence is key. they'll face it together and they'll come out triumphant in the end. there can be no emptiness where there is friendship. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-02-24 07:26 am (UTC)It’s not Bucky’s burden — no matter how hard he tries to help bear it — and Steve’ll let it devour him whole before he makes it so. ]
Yeah, Bucky.
[ A liquid whisper trickles into his good ear, but Steve wills himself to ignore it, shutting his eyes. Here, with his friend's arms around him, his voice strong and steady and alive, the dark seems diminished somehow. No flickering lights in his vision, no grey shadows darting just out of reach. Even the pounding of his head’s lessened like this, and Steve finds himself yawning hard, covering it with the back of his bandaged hand. ]
You don’t gotta keep an eye out. [ Quietly, inching a little closer to Bucky’s warmth as a shiver hits him, his body suddenly aware of the night chill now that the adrenalin’s wearing off. ] If you can’t hear the … you probably can’t see ‘em, either.
[ And Bucky needs sleep, too — must be drained from all this. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-02-24 07:37 am (UTC)there's a deep seethed relief at the sound of that yawn that makes bucky smile despite everything. he pulls the covers over steve's body, not minding they leave him partly exposed to the chill - it's still warmer than sleeping outside. ]
I got you covered. [ nothing is going to get steve, not on bucky's watch. if he can't hear it or see it, then he will fight it blind and deaf, that's just how it's going to go. if he can't fight it with his fists, then he'll fight it with a warm hug and assuring presence. and if he has to, he'll bring a doctor over. steve can be stubborn but he's certain he won't throw a tantrum in front of a professional bucky's already paid for. he may not be happy about it, but both of them know better than to waste resources.
whatever it takes, bucky is going to do it. he owes steve that much, he owes mrs. rogers that much, and he owes himself that much. ]
Try to sleep.