[ all keeping the door shut in bucky's face would have gotten steve is probably a sick best friend, from spending the cold new york night sleeping outside his door. he would have to call the cops to forcibly remove him to get him to leave. ]
I'll cover you.
[ there's a point, there's always a point. bucky doesn't have much but everything he has - is available to steve to get him back on his feet. and if he has to take on extra shifts, or hell a second job - he'll do it. he'll do whatever he has to because he can't bear to lose his best friend, he just couldn't take it.
he frowns when steve trails off, looking at his face, then once again following his line of sight, his frown deepening.
what is this? he's never seen him like this, and he thought he's seen steve in every which way he got. is this something private, a condition steve and his mom kept from him? or is this something new? he wishes he could know, wishes there were instructions laid out for him.
he doesn't hear anything, but he still gets up on his feet and walks over to the corner by the door. he looks around, but nothing catches his eye. checks the door - nothing behind it. he lays down and strains his ears, trying to see if anything's coming from downstairs, or maybe inside the walls - it wouldn't be his first time catching a mouse.
there's nothing. the night is quiet, and bucky's ears have always been sharper than steve's. standing back up, he shakes his head as he crosses the room back to his friend's side. ]
I don't hear anything - what is it? [ it must've been the blow steve got to his head. that settles it, he's getting a doctor. ]
[ It was the thought of Bucky sleeping out in the cold, as stubborn as Steve’s ever been, that had him relent in the first place. But now it has Steve wondering if maybe he should've come up with something else, held himself together long enough to throw Bucky off the scent. The only problem would've been how, because Bucky knows him inside, out.
At Bucky’s offer, though, Steve stiffens. ]
I won’t accept your money, Buck.
[ And even through the exhaustion and the pain in his skull, there's a flash of lucidity in Steve’s eyes for the first time the whole night. It’s gone in the next moment, however; he sees Bucky frown hard and notice where he’s been glancing, and a protest is on the tip of his tongue when Bucky gets up to go check. No. The sick feeling returns, settling in the pit of his stomach when Bucky opens the door, and Steve’s on his feet in the next instant, blanket falling back to the cushions as he does so, eyes wide.
He lets out a shaky breath when Bucky returns, visibly confused, but the relief of having his friend back by his side overpowers the creeping idea that Bucky might ... think Steve’s losing his marbles. He tries to school his face into something resembling normal, tries to keep eye contact — both to convince, and also because there's something steadying in Bucky's familiar blue gaze. It's clear that Bucky can't hear them, and Steve needs him back asleep. Safe. ]
Thought I ... heard a voice. Or, I don’t know. Must’a been my ears ringin’ or something. [ It might even have been convincing, if Steve’s grip on the glass wasn’t white-knuckled. If he wasn’t tense all over as his ears strained to catch that sound — fuck. Again. A series of watery hisses, this time coming from the direction of the kitchen, and Steve flinches hard. ]
Sorry. Bucky, I’m sorry, can — can we just. Forget it. [ The back of his head throbs sharply, and his injured hand jumps there, involuntary. ]
Get off it Steve, if I needed a doctor you wouldn't leave a penny in your pocket, what makes you think I'd do any less?
[ normally, bucky tries to respect steve's self reliance, respect his pride. but this goes to his health, to his safety. what good is money if he can't use it to help his family? sure, money doesn't grow on trees, but it can still be replaced, his best friend can't be. this goes to his pride, too, his pride as a person who does right by the people he loves.
he's not sure what to make of the look on steve's face when he comes back to the room, and it only serves to worry him further. a part of him, larger than he'd ever admit, wants to just hoist steve on his shoulder and carry him to a doctor right there and then, the need to hear that his insistence to sleep by his friend's side didn't cause him irreparable damage almost overwhelming. but there is a line, a line of choice and respect that he won't cross. steve's ears might be ringing, but it could just be that - he's being stubborn, which is a good sign, normal.
the worry's not going anywhere, it continues to eat away at him and if it keeps going bucky's pretty sure it'll be all that's left of him, but for now he pushes through it, trying to keep a level head.
the one thing that's absolutely not happening is bucky forgetting about any of this. ]
You look like you've seen a ghost.
[ and maybe...is that it? not literally but, even for bucky just standing in steve's room this late, with the light on...he can almost picture mrs. rogers' stern face telling them to hush up and get to bed. gently, bucky tries to coax steve to sit, he doesn't need him taking another fall. ]
[ If Steve weren’t in the shape he's currently in, perhaps he’d try and explain what he means — how deep it runs. But there’s no way for him to fully put to words the simple, stark inadequacy he feels every waking day, least of all to Bucky. The constant awareness of his place in the world, and how Bucky’s hard-earned money is fundamentally different from his own, and what taking it would mean for Steve. God, if it was just pride. If it wasn’t Steve’s sense of self-worth as a man, altogether.
As it is, Bucky’s words register as a lash across his already flayed nerves and he’s unable to mask the pain in his voice as he repeats, lower still: ]
I won’t.
[ He doesn’t push further; he doesn’t have the strength, and anyway, there’s a more pressing worry when Bucky gets back, very clearly not interested in forgetting about it. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
At that, he freezes, a trickle of ice sliding down his spine. Lets Bucky gently maneuver him to sit on the bed, one hand still covering the back of his head where it hurts worst, the other setting the glass of water on his tiny, rickety nightstand. Part of him wants, so badly, to talk to Bucky about this. The other part of him insists as fiercely that it isn’t right. Bucky won’t get it, he can’t hear or see them, he'll think Steve’s finally lost it. But — ]
Bucky. Turn off the light? [ Softly, with a hint of pleading to it that normally never makes its way into Steve’s voice, and he’s not looking at Bucky anymore, head bowed and hair falling across his brow. ] And then, don’t — don’t stick around there. Come back.
[ Steve’s free hand blindly pats Bucky’s arm and then pats the space next to him on the mattress. ]
[ it's a conversation worth having, because bucky very much feels the same way when he fails to find the words that will allow him to help his friend; inadequate. before, he could know that no matter what, steve would come home and his ma would set him straight. but now, bucky's it, he's all there is, and he has to find some way to be enough.
his eyes continue to scrutinize steve's face for a long moment after he sits, debating the right course of action. finally, he relents and nods. ]
I'll be right back. [ he gives his friend's shoulder a squeeze before crossing the distance to the light switch in just a few long strides and crossing it right back. his eyes not yet adjusted to the sudden blackness that engulfs them, his way back is made slower, hands outreached in front of him, feeling his way to the bed. his fingers land atop steve's mop of hair, his palm grazing his nose. ] Sorry - [ figuring the distance from there is easy enough, and he settles into the empty space by steve's side on the bed with a soft sigh. once he's seated, his arm reaches up and wraps itself around steve's slender shoulders, offering unbridled affection and support. ]
I'm here, pal. [ whatever this is, whatever he needs him to do - he'll get it done, he doesn't care how, or what it takes. ]
[ He can tell that Bucky’s looking at him — feels the concerned weight of that gaze as if it were a touch — but Steve doesn’t look up until Bucky relents and gets up. The moment he does so, Steve’s head jerks up as well, keeping him in his line of sight as he crosses the floorboards, right up until the room plunges back into darkness. He stares into it, hard, hoping to spot Bucky's silhouette on the way back.
A grey mass slithers down the edge of his vision instead, just as a hand brushes against his face, and Steve rears back slightly, an anxious noise bubbling out of his throat before he can hold it back. ]
Buck—?
[ Of course. Who else would it be? He feels silly for it a moment later as Bucky’s weight dips the mattress by his side, followed by a protective arm around his shoulders. The affectionate touch is as reassuring as his friend's words, and the tension slowly drains out of Steve until he’s slumping into Bucky's side, turning his head to press his face against the soft, plain cotton of Bucky’s shirt.
He doesn’t mean to hide. But it makes it easier, just as the darkness does, and Steve takes one last, shaky breath. ]
It’s been happening for a few days, now. [ Quietly, haltingly. ] At first I thought I was just — imagining it. Ringin' in my ears. But I’m not. There’s ... I see ‘em, just outta the corner of my eye. You know? Just outta reach. And I can ... hear them.
[ Something murmurs nearby and Steve shuts his eyes, a tremor running down his back. He wishes he could tell Bucky he isn’t crazy, but by now the words are coming out on their own, like someone's pulling them out on a string. ] Whispers — in the dark. And I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept since, since — [ Funeral. It sticks in his throat like a needle. ] 'Cause it ain’t safe. Nowhere’s safe, and —
[ His breath hitches, voice dropping to a whisper, and in the dark his hand finds Bucky’s knee, gripping it urgently. ] Bucky, there's something in the house.
[ his heart clenches almost painfully at the way his proud, stubborn, friend is clinging to him now, the words pouring out of him feel like pouring lava on a forest fire. he's worried. steve hasn't slept since his ma died? it's no wonder he's hearing voices - it's a damn miracle that's all he's hearing. his grip tightens around his friend. ]
Come home with me. We'll figure everything else out after you get some sleep. [ his voice is as close to commending as it ever gets, they can't keep going like this. bucky can't bury his best friend so soon after burying the woman who was essentially a second mother to him. that's the one thing that's definitely not happening - over his cold, dead body. ]
[ In the silence that follows, Steve can almost hear his own heart thudding as he waits for Bucky to tell him he’s wrong — that he’s just imagining things, or worse yet, that he’s losing it. But no censure comes; Bucky just holds him a bit tighter, and for a moment Steve finds himself almost dozing off, lulled by the comfort and warmth of his friend’s presence.
Then Bucky speaks, and Steve jolts back to lucidity. ]
No. [ He blurts out, without thinking, spurred on by the stern tone Bucky’s got, by the implication of him going to the Barnes’s with this thing hanging over him. Like hell; he already feels bad enough having Bucky in a tainted place. ]
Bucky, it followed me home. From — [ A frustrated shake of his head, once again tripping over a word his tongue refuses to say. ] If I go to your place, it’ll … no. I ain’t leading ‘em to your folks.
[ those voices aren't going anywhere if they keep him up, they'll only get worse. bucky wishes they were physical beings, because if they were he could take them on, could fight them and end it, make it better. this helplessness is the worst. ]
I'll stay awake, I'll keep an eye out. I'm not gonna let anything get my family. [ that includes steve. so he may as well be comfortable and warm and get a hot meal out of it. ]
[ Steve tries to sound as firm as he can, but there's a shake in his voice, cold fingers tightening reflexively on Bucky's knee as if to steady himself. It's no use, either of it; he can hear the selfsame resolve in his friend's words, in the way he said family, knows that it's his back against the wall while Bucky's got the —
His mind, straining for any sort of compromise, sluggishly grabs onto that. Down on the floor, Bucky'd be left open to the darkness under the bed and on the other side of the room, and Steve wouldn't let himself sleep a wink. But the bed itself was against — ]
The wall. [ It comes out a croak, Steve lifting his head up to look blindly behind him and then back to where he senses Bucky is, struggling to explain himself. ] Bucky, if I said I'd try an' sleep, would — I mean, if you had your back to the wall, you'd ... it'd be safer.
[ understanding, bucky realizes, is a concept he needs to give up on. he can't understand what's going on with steve right now, no amount of effort will change that. sure, he's grieving too, but his ma's in bed, asleep. or possibly awake, worrying about her boys, but still - alive, safe, at home. as is his father, and his sisters - provided none sneaked out. he can't understand - not really, nor does he want to - the terror of a truly empty house.
what he can do, however, is accommodate. he doesn't have to get exactly what's going on to know that steve needs sleep and any way that gets him that - he's game. ]
Steve, if it'll get you to sleep I'll glue my back to the ceiling.
[ if steve needs his back against the wall, it's staying against the wall. just to prove it he already leans back against it. he'll move once steve is settling to sleep, to make room for him to lie down; he'll sit up against the wall on the floor. but he's not quite ready to let go of steve's shoulder yet, not until he's instructed to, or the little guy's asleep. ]
[ Bucky’s acquiescence brings no small measure of relief, and for a moment Steve just leans into him, his heartbeat slowly easing as his shoulders sag. ]
I meant … [ The mumble dies off as he wracks his bewildered, exhausted brain on how to word himself. Christ, it’s a good thing Steve’s like this. In his right mind he’d be mortified to be asking this, like some dumb kid wanting to clamber into his big brother’s bed after a nightmare, afraid to be alone. After a moment he stirs, nudging Bucky to lay lengthwise and wordlessly adjusting himself along with him until they’re face to face — or more accurately, Steve’s face to Bucky’s sternum.
There. This way, Bucky’s no longer vulnerable, and Steve’s between him and the rest of the yawning dark. ]
Didn’t wanna rope you into this. [ Hushed, the words a jumble in his head and worse out loud. ] It just ... emptiness, Bucky, even in daylight. You know? And that’s where it — eats. [ A nameless, aching despair creeps into Steve’s voice, and he cuts himself short, knowing he isn't just talking about the voices anymore. ]
[ he wasn't expecting this, and frankly bucky's not really sure what to think of it. he might fall asleep like this - it's a hell of a lot likelier than sitting up against the wall,he is pretty exhausted himself - and he wants to keep watch on steve. but this way, there's no chance in hell of him nodding off and steve getting up without him knowing, and that's not nothing. he also won't trip over him; bucky's far from done worrying about the blow steve took to his head. he might even be able to catch him, his reflexes are pretty sharp, even when violently awoken.
none of it matters though because if this is what steve needs then this is what bucky will do. the last time he comforted someone in bed like this was three winters ago, when his youngest sister crawled in there during a bad thunderstorm, but the gesture is more than familiar enough. he holds steve securely, though he skips the soothing circles he used to stroke into his sister's back ]
I rope myself. [ no one can make bucky do what he doesn't want to; that includes steve and his insistent attempts at pushing him away. ]
I'm here, buddy, and you and I we took down bigger bullies.
[ okay, so they haven't, this feels like the worst foe they've ever faced, but confidence is key. they'll face it together and they'll come out triumphant in the end. there can be no emptiness where there is friendship. ]
[ It’s gonna eat at him until the rest of him goes where part of him already is, six feet under — but that thought ain’t one that Steve’s going to follow to its conclusion, and certainly not out loud in front of Bucky. Bucky, pitting himself like a bulwark between Steve and his demons, though they’re under his skin. This isn't a bully so much as it is another illness, but whatever the hell this grief is ...
It’s not Bucky’s burden — no matter how hard he tries to help bear it — and Steve’ll let it devour him whole before he makes it so. ]
Yeah, Bucky.
[ A liquid whisper trickles into his good ear, but Steve wills himself to ignore it, shutting his eyes. Here, with his friend's arms around him, his voice strong and steady and alive, the dark seems diminished somehow. No flickering lights in his vision, no grey shadows darting just out of reach. Even the pounding of his head’s lessened like this, and Steve finds himself yawning hard, covering it with the back of his bandaged hand. ]
You don’t gotta keep an eye out. [ Quietly, inching a little closer to Bucky’s warmth as a shiver hits him, his body suddenly aware of the night chill now that the adrenalin’s wearing off. ] If you can’t hear the … you probably can’t see ‘em, either.
[ And Bucky needs sleep, too — must be drained from all this. ]
[ keeping steve alive and well and by his side - that's never a burden to bucky. losing him, that would be a burden, an unbearable weight he doesn't want to imagine carrying around and yet all the close calls they've had keep the thought in the forefront of his subconscious, ready to leap into the conscious at a moment's notice.
there's a deep seethed relief at the sound of that yawn that makes bucky smile despite everything. he pulls the covers over steve's body, not minding they leave him partly exposed to the chill - it's still warmer than sleeping outside. ]
I got you covered. [ nothing is going to get steve, not on bucky's watch. if he can't hear it or see it, then he will fight it blind and deaf, that's just how it's going to go. if he can't fight it with his fists, then he'll fight it with a warm hug and assuring presence. and if he has to, he'll bring a doctor over. steve can be stubborn but he's certain he won't throw a tantrum in front of a professional bucky's already paid for. he may not be happy about it, but both of them know better than to waste resources.
whatever it takes, bucky is going to do it. he owes steve that much, he owes mrs. rogers that much, and he owes himself that much. ]
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I'll cover you.
[ there's a point, there's always a point. bucky doesn't have much but everything he has - is available to steve to get him back on his feet. and if he has to take on extra shifts, or hell a second job - he'll do it. he'll do whatever he has to because he can't bear to lose his best friend, he just couldn't take it.
he frowns when steve trails off, looking at his face, then once again following his line of sight, his frown deepening.
what is this? he's never seen him like this, and he thought he's seen steve in every which way he got. is this something private, a condition steve and his mom kept from him? or is this something new? he wishes he could know, wishes there were instructions laid out for him.
he doesn't hear anything, but he still gets up on his feet and walks over to the corner by the door. he looks around, but nothing catches his eye. checks the door - nothing behind it. he lays down and strains his ears, trying to see if anything's coming from downstairs, or maybe inside the walls - it wouldn't be his first time catching a mouse.
there's nothing. the night is quiet, and bucky's ears have always been sharper than steve's. standing back up, he shakes his head as he crosses the room back to his friend's side. ]
I don't hear anything - what is it? [ it must've been the blow steve got to his head. that settles it, he's getting a doctor. ]
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At Bucky’s offer, though, Steve stiffens. ]
I won’t accept your money, Buck.
[ And even through the exhaustion and the pain in his skull, there's a flash of lucidity in Steve’s eyes for the first time the whole night. It’s gone in the next moment, however; he sees Bucky frown hard and notice where he’s been glancing, and a protest is on the tip of his tongue when Bucky gets up to go check. No. The sick feeling returns, settling in the pit of his stomach when Bucky opens the door, and Steve’s on his feet in the next instant, blanket falling back to the cushions as he does so, eyes wide.
He lets out a shaky breath when Bucky returns, visibly confused, but the relief of having his friend back by his side overpowers the creeping idea that Bucky might ... think Steve’s losing his marbles. He tries to school his face into something resembling normal, tries to keep eye contact — both to convince, and also because there's something steadying in Bucky's familiar blue gaze. It's clear that Bucky can't hear them, and Steve needs him back asleep. Safe. ]
Thought I ... heard a voice. Or, I don’t know. Must’a been my ears ringin’ or something. [ It might even have been convincing, if Steve’s grip on the glass wasn’t white-knuckled. If he wasn’t tense all over as his ears strained to catch that sound — fuck. Again. A series of watery hisses, this time coming from the direction of the kitchen, and Steve flinches hard. ]
Sorry. Bucky, I’m sorry, can — can we just. Forget it. [ The back of his head throbs sharply, and his injured hand jumps there, involuntary. ]
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[ normally, bucky tries to respect steve's self reliance, respect his pride. but this goes to his health, to his safety. what good is money if he can't use it to help his family? sure, money doesn't grow on trees, but it can still be replaced, his best friend can't be. this goes to his pride, too, his pride as a person who does right by the people he loves.
he's not sure what to make of the look on steve's face when he comes back to the room, and it only serves to worry him further. a part of him, larger than he'd ever admit, wants to just hoist steve on his shoulder and carry him to a doctor right there and then, the need to hear that his insistence to sleep by his friend's side didn't cause him irreparable damage almost overwhelming. but there is a line, a line of choice and respect that he won't cross. steve's ears might be ringing, but it could just be that - he's being stubborn, which is a good sign, normal.
the worry's not going anywhere, it continues to eat away at him and if it keeps going bucky's pretty sure it'll be all that's left of him, but for now he pushes through it, trying to keep a level head.
the one thing that's absolutely not happening is bucky forgetting about any of this. ]
You look like you've seen a ghost.
[ and maybe...is that it? not literally but, even for bucky just standing in steve's room this late, with the light on...he can almost picture mrs. rogers' stern face telling them to hush up and get to bed. gently, bucky tries to coax steve to sit, he doesn't need him taking another fall. ]
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As it is, Bucky’s words register as a lash across his already flayed nerves and he’s unable to mask the pain in his voice as he repeats, lower still: ]
I won’t.
[ He doesn’t push further; he doesn’t have the strength, and anyway, there’s a more pressing worry when Bucky gets back, very clearly not interested in forgetting about it. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
At that, he freezes, a trickle of ice sliding down his spine. Lets Bucky gently maneuver him to sit on the bed, one hand still covering the back of his head where it hurts worst, the other setting the glass of water on his tiny, rickety nightstand. Part of him wants, so badly, to talk to Bucky about this. The other part of him insists as fiercely that it isn’t right. Bucky won’t get it, he can’t hear or see them, he'll think Steve’s finally lost it. But — ]
Bucky. Turn off the light? [ Softly, with a hint of pleading to it that normally never makes its way into Steve’s voice, and he’s not looking at Bucky anymore, head bowed and hair falling across his brow. ] And then, don’t — don’t stick around there. Come back.
[ Steve’s free hand blindly pats Bucky’s arm and then pats the space next to him on the mattress. ]
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his eyes continue to scrutinize steve's face for a long moment after he sits, debating the right course of action. finally, he relents and nods. ]
I'll be right back. [ he gives his friend's shoulder a squeeze before crossing the distance to the light switch in just a few long strides and crossing it right back. his eyes not yet adjusted to the sudden blackness that engulfs them, his way back is made slower, hands outreached in front of him, feeling his way to the bed. his fingers land atop steve's mop of hair, his palm grazing his nose. ] Sorry - [ figuring the distance from there is easy enough, and he settles into the empty space by steve's side on the bed with a soft sigh. once he's seated, his arm reaches up and wraps itself around steve's slender shoulders, offering unbridled affection and support. ]
I'm here, pal. [ whatever this is, whatever he needs him to do - he'll get it done, he doesn't care how, or what it takes. ]
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A grey mass slithers down the edge of his vision instead, just as a hand brushes against his face, and Steve rears back slightly, an anxious noise bubbling out of his throat before he can hold it back. ]
Buck—?
[ Of course. Who else would it be? He feels silly for it a moment later as Bucky’s weight dips the mattress by his side, followed by a protective arm around his shoulders. The affectionate touch is as reassuring as his friend's words, and the tension slowly drains out of Steve until he’s slumping into Bucky's side, turning his head to press his face against the soft, plain cotton of Bucky’s shirt.
He doesn’t mean to hide. But it makes it easier, just as the darkness does, and Steve takes one last, shaky breath. ]
It’s been happening for a few days, now. [ Quietly, haltingly. ] At first I thought I was just — imagining it. Ringin' in my ears. But I’m not. There’s ... I see ‘em, just outta the corner of my eye. You know? Just outta reach. And I can ... hear them.
[ Something murmurs nearby and Steve shuts his eyes, a tremor running down his back. He wishes he could tell Bucky he isn’t crazy, but by now the words are coming out on their own, like someone's pulling them out on a string. ] Whispers — in the dark. And I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept since, since — [ Funeral. It sticks in his throat like a needle. ] 'Cause it ain’t safe. Nowhere’s safe, and —
[ His breath hitches, voice dropping to a whisper, and in the dark his hand finds Bucky’s knee, gripping it urgently. ] Bucky, there's something in the house.
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Come home with me. We'll figure everything else out after you get some sleep. [ his voice is as close to commending as it ever gets, they can't keep going like this. bucky can't bury his best friend so soon after burying the woman who was essentially a second mother to him. that's the one thing that's definitely not happening - over his cold, dead body. ]
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Then Bucky speaks, and Steve jolts back to lucidity. ]
No. [ He blurts out, without thinking, spurred on by the stern tone Bucky’s got, by the implication of him going to the Barnes’s with this thing hanging over him. Like hell; he already feels bad enough having Bucky in a tainted place. ]
Bucky, it followed me home. From — [ A frustrated shake of his head, once again tripping over a word his tongue refuses to say. ] If I go to your place, it’ll … no. I ain’t leading ‘em to your folks.
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[ those voices aren't going anywhere if they keep him up, they'll only get worse. bucky wishes they were physical beings, because if they were he could take them on, could fight them and end it, make it better. this helplessness is the worst. ]
I'll stay awake, I'll keep an eye out. I'm not gonna let anything get my family. [ that includes steve. so he may as well be comfortable and warm and get a hot meal out of it. ]
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[ Steve tries to sound as firm as he can, but there's a shake in his voice, cold fingers tightening reflexively on Bucky's knee as if to steady himself. It's no use, either of it; he can hear the selfsame resolve in his friend's words, in the way he said family, knows that it's his back against the wall while Bucky's got the —
His mind, straining for any sort of compromise, sluggishly grabs onto that. Down on the floor, Bucky'd be left open to the darkness under the bed and on the other side of the room, and Steve wouldn't let himself sleep a wink. But the bed itself was against — ]
The wall. [ It comes out a croak, Steve lifting his head up to look blindly behind him and then back to where he senses Bucky is, struggling to explain himself. ] Bucky, if I said I'd try an' sleep, would — I mean, if you had your back to the wall, you'd ... it'd be safer.
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what he can do, however, is accommodate. he doesn't have to get exactly what's going on to know that steve needs sleep and any way that gets him that - he's game. ]
Steve, if it'll get you to sleep I'll glue my back to the ceiling.
[ if steve needs his back against the wall, it's staying against the wall. just to prove it he already leans back against it. he'll move once steve is settling to sleep, to make room for him to lie down; he'll sit up against the wall on the floor. but he's not quite ready to let go of steve's shoulder yet, not until he's instructed to, or the little guy's asleep. ]
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I meant … [ The mumble dies off as he wracks his bewildered, exhausted brain on how to word himself. Christ, it’s a good thing Steve’s like this. In his right mind he’d be mortified to be asking this, like some dumb kid wanting to clamber into his big brother’s bed after a nightmare, afraid to be alone. After a moment he stirs, nudging Bucky to lay lengthwise and wordlessly adjusting himself along with him until they’re face to face — or more accurately, Steve’s face to Bucky’s sternum.
There. This way, Bucky’s no longer vulnerable, and Steve’s between him and the rest of the yawning dark. ]
Didn’t wanna rope you into this. [ Hushed, the words a jumble in his head and worse out loud. ] It just ... emptiness, Bucky, even in daylight. You know? And that’s where it — eats. [ A nameless, aching despair creeps into Steve’s voice, and he cuts himself short, knowing he isn't just talking about the voices anymore. ]
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none of it matters though because if this is what steve needs then this is what bucky will do. the last time he comforted someone in bed like this was three winters ago, when his youngest sister crawled in there during a bad thunderstorm, but the gesture is more than familiar enough. he holds steve securely, though he skips the soothing circles he used to stroke into his sister's back ]
I rope myself. [ no one can make bucky do what he doesn't want to; that includes steve and his insistent attempts at pushing him away. ]
I'm here, buddy, and you and I we took down bigger bullies.
[ okay, so they haven't, this feels like the worst foe they've ever faced, but confidence is key. they'll face it together and they'll come out triumphant in the end. there can be no emptiness where there is friendship. ]
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It’s not Bucky’s burden — no matter how hard he tries to help bear it — and Steve’ll let it devour him whole before he makes it so. ]
Yeah, Bucky.
[ A liquid whisper trickles into his good ear, but Steve wills himself to ignore it, shutting his eyes. Here, with his friend's arms around him, his voice strong and steady and alive, the dark seems diminished somehow. No flickering lights in his vision, no grey shadows darting just out of reach. Even the pounding of his head’s lessened like this, and Steve finds himself yawning hard, covering it with the back of his bandaged hand. ]
You don’t gotta keep an eye out. [ Quietly, inching a little closer to Bucky’s warmth as a shiver hits him, his body suddenly aware of the night chill now that the adrenalin’s wearing off. ] If you can’t hear the … you probably can’t see ‘em, either.
[ And Bucky needs sleep, too — must be drained from all this. ]
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there's a deep seethed relief at the sound of that yawn that makes bucky smile despite everything. he pulls the covers over steve's body, not minding they leave him partly exposed to the chill - it's still warmer than sleeping outside. ]
I got you covered. [ nothing is going to get steve, not on bucky's watch. if he can't hear it or see it, then he will fight it blind and deaf, that's just how it's going to go. if he can't fight it with his fists, then he'll fight it with a warm hug and assuring presence. and if he has to, he'll bring a doctor over. steve can be stubborn but he's certain he won't throw a tantrum in front of a professional bucky's already paid for. he may not be happy about it, but both of them know better than to waste resources.
whatever it takes, bucky is going to do it. he owes steve that much, he owes mrs. rogers that much, and he owes himself that much. ]
Try to sleep.