[ the moments between steve's stumble and response don't exactly stretch - it's almost as if they're paused, like the whole world decided that you know what? it really doesn't have anything better to do right now, it's going to stay right here, right now, drag this out, savor it. the world's always been an asshole to steve, it only strengthens bucky's determination to stand by his side.
steve's grip on his shirt has the collar digging into the back of bucky's neck, but he doesn't even notice, doesn't care if it gets stretched out or if his mother will berate him, thinking it was the doing of a girl who clearly wasn't nice enough for her golden boy - all that matters is grounding steve, giving him every bit of support the stubborn idiot would take. ]
You're family, Steve. [ he can no more impose on the barnes' than bucky can. he can push and push with all his might, with every ounce of stubborn determination in his little body, but bucky's support will remain an unmovable wall, by his side. you can't push away family. ] They're used to it. [ god knows this isn't the worst state they've seen him in. ]
Come on, what do you say? [ he can sense and inch and he's grabbing hold to it for dear life. ] You're in luck, I already shined my shoes today, all you'll have left is the trash.
[ Of course Bucky would say that, see it like that. Family. They’re — Steve knows what Bucky means, he feels it in himself too, that unspoken forever closeness, but at the end of the day, they’re not family family, and Steve’s always going to be hesitant and careful. Always mindful of not wearing out his welcome. God knows the rest of their mutual acquaintances don’t see it the same way as Bucky and his folks do, whether it’s the Barnes’ friends and relatives, or Steve and Bucky’s teachers back in the day.
What's a nice boy like James doing, hanging ‘round that Rogers kid?
A surprised, sharp huff of amusement escapes Steve at Bucky’s words. It feels like a reminder from a lifetime ago. ] You’re not wrong.
[ His voice is clearer, less of a rasp even if it’s still dry. The Barnes’ have seen Steve in far worse condition, as chagrining that is for him to think of. And hell, but Steve’s so damn tired of pushing Bucky away. He’s exhausted to his bones as it is, but keeping Bucky at length is harder on him than drawing away from anyone else could ever be. Steve’s used to being tired all the time, used to throwing himself at metaphorical brick walls, but this battle is different because despite everything, there’s a small, vital part of him that refuses to fight.
Steve inhales through his nose slowly, lets it out just as slow, feeling himself relent. ] But I — I don’t think I’m in much shape to. Talk much, at the table. They won’t mind, right? [ This is Steve quietly requesting, without actually saying it out loud, that Bucky whisk him away after dinner. ]
[ for bucky it's those relatives and so called friends who wore out their welcome. bucky's always been the friendly sort, born with an easy charm and a love for people, there are few places he could go to in new york without making a friend, if he doesn't already have one. it's not easy, to wear out his patience, but anyone he catches talking about steve like that gets a front row seat to exactly what that particular accomplishment looks like. protective instincts easily develop in the presence of a younger sibling and to bucky rebecca isn't the only one who fits that bill.
they may not share blood or a last name, but steve is every bit bucky's brother. they've spent more nights sharing a room than not in their childhood, steve's ma had cooked bucky's dinner almost as often as his own did, and offered him kind words of wisdom when he's needed them. they're family in all the ways that matter, they're more family than bucky and those relatives would ever be.
he smiles at that huff of amusement, a smile that widens when steve finally - finally - relents and agrees to something. he's so happy, he could fly. ]
Rebecca won't let you slip a word in edgewise even if you wanted to. [ helping steve straighten himself up, he claps his shoulder again. he'll warn his family to let him be, though he also trusts them to figure out on their own that the fact steve came over at all is nothing short of a miracle. they can't afford to spook him. just knowing he's safe, warm, fed, and tended to is bound to guarantee bucky gets the best night's sleep he's had since mrs. rogers' passing - he'll take it. ]
[ The bright smile on Bucky’s face — the sincerity behind it, the obvious relief — sends another thin stab of guilt through Steve. He’s known that Bucky must’ve been worrying about him, but knowing is one thing and seeing is another. The visible proof of it hurts, even through the fog of apathy surrounding him; he’s not worth this. All he’s doing is dragging Bucky down with him.
Least you can do is smile back, Rogers.
He manages one as Bucky helps him up, thinks about saying something like Yeah, she takes after her big brother, as an attempt at levity, but decides against it. Bucky deserves better than a half-hearted joke. ]
Thank you.
[ Quiet but earnest, as Bucky claps him on the shoulder, letting his own grip on him loosen and gently fall away as they both straighten. There’s a fleeting twinge inside Steve, a soft voice inside him protesting that loss of contact, sounding much like the little boy he was when Bucky first walked into his life, bringing warmth with him. Steve ignores it, lets it smother into silence as they exit the alleyway without further preamble.
The rest of the walk passes by in a blur, Steve’s gaze trained on his feet, and it feels like it’s only been a few minutes before they’re approaching the Barnes residence. The sight of Bucky’s home rings a dusty bell in the back of Steve’s mind, and he slows to a stop, tugging at Bucky’s shirt sleeve. ]
Bucky, wait, gimme a — I gotta ...
[ Just because the Barneses have seen him worse doesn’t mean he should just waltz in there like this, and Steve’s vaguely annoyed at himself for forgetting his manners. He’s always tried to look his best in front of Bucky’s family, occasional accidents aside, and they haven’t seen him in weeks. Shame prickles down Steve’s spine as he pulls out a comb and tries to fix his hair, roughly tugging through the strands. ]
[ there are no debts owed in a family, no weights of dues paid and benefits received that need to be balanced, not the way bucky sees it. if what steve has in him to give is a half-hearted joke, bucky would've gladly taken it because what really truly matters is that steve is there, and god he's just missed him. steve's ma was family, and while the loss is completely incomparable, it nevertheless remains true that bucky lost her too. losing steve on top of it is too much, and he refuses to accept it. ]
You're welcome. [ what to most is nothing but an automatic polite response is meant in earnest when spoken to steve. there is no one, outside of the family that resides within the barnes' apartment, who could possibly be more welcome than steve in their home, at their table, and in bucky's heart. if the price he has to pay for his company is a little silence and censuring of question, a little encouraging of becca's natural tendency to prattle on? he's more than willing to pay.
when steve stops just shy of his home, bucky steels himself for another argument, another round of exhausting sparring with steve's stubborn insistence of doing everything and anything all on his own. it's the sheer relief that washes over him when he understands what halted steve's steps that makes him laugh at the sight of that comb, and he pitches in, straightening out steve's jacket. ]
You know it's just going to get mussed anyway. [ after such a long absence? steve is going to get hugged, and that, that bucky can't nor has any desire to shield him from, the guy could use it. ]
[ Steve's distracted enough to miss the set of Bucky’s shoulders going momentarily stiff, but the laugh he catches loud and clear. It gets an involuntary little grin out of him, guessing what Bucky thinks about Steve’s insistence to be presentable for his family. Bucky's a brother to him, thicker than blood, and he knows his Ma felt the same — loved him as her own. But it’s a formality ingrained in him since childhood, when he went to Bucky’s place for the first time, dressed in his Sunday clothes and on his best behaviour, simultaneously terrified and determined.
As it is, Steve’s grateful for the extra help — no mirrors nearby — and while Bucky fixes the fit his coat, he runs a tongue over his busted lip, tasting copper and hoping he’s got the last of it. Or at least as much as he can get off without water, anyway. He finishes off by sucking at his teeth and swallowing, since there’s nowhere to spit, and then meets Bucky’s eyes with his own.
There isn’t much of a light in them, but Steve’s trying. Knows he has to get through at least dinner and pretend to be a real boy throughout, instead of the marionette he feels like these days, and he can only hope that it isn’t obvious to anyone but Bucky. ]
Gotta give 'em something to muss, then. Make it worth Becca’s while.
[ That’s a good start, at least. He brushes off his shirt and adjusts his suspenders one last time before nodding at Bucky. There’s still a residual unsteadiness in his limbs, and the pain in both his stomach and his head is a continuous throb, but it’s nothing he can’t handle. ]
[ it's not that bucky doesn't know where steve's coming from; hell, he did the same when going to steve's, he does the same when going anywhere, he just likes looking his best. it's just such a secondary thought in this case, because his whole being has been focused on getting steve to cross that threshold and come inside with him where he'd be safe and looked after, at least for tonight. ]
Don't you worry about Becca. [ god knows that girl will make it worth her own while. bucky's incredibly proud of his sister, even his teasing of her reflects that. his siblings, steve very much included on that list, are some of his greatest inspirations in life, and sometimes he marvels at the fact that they don't seem to know just how much he admires them both.
he puts the finishing touches by wiping some of the dust off of steve, and wraps his arm around his shoulders all over again, undoing some of his own fine work on that coat and not giving a single damn about it. ]
Time to face the music, pal. [ the music, in this case, being becca's happy shrills and ma's worried fussing. he leads him inside, still a little nervous that if they delay any longer steve will change his mind. ]
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steve's grip on his shirt has the collar digging into the back of bucky's neck, but he doesn't even notice, doesn't care if it gets stretched out or if his mother will berate him, thinking it was the doing of a girl who clearly wasn't nice enough for her golden boy - all that matters is grounding steve, giving him every bit of support the stubborn idiot would take. ]
You're family, Steve. [ he can no more impose on the barnes' than bucky can. he can push and push with all his might, with every ounce of stubborn determination in his little body, but bucky's support will remain an unmovable wall, by his side. you can't push away family. ] They're used to it. [ god knows this isn't the worst state they've seen him in. ]
Come on, what do you say? [ he can sense and inch and he's grabbing hold to it for dear life. ] You're in luck, I already shined my shoes today, all you'll have left is the trash.
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What's a nice boy like James doing, hanging ‘round that Rogers kid?
A surprised, sharp huff of amusement escapes Steve at Bucky’s words. It feels like a reminder from a lifetime ago. ] You’re not wrong.
[ His voice is clearer, less of a rasp even if it’s still dry. The Barnes’ have seen Steve in far worse condition, as chagrining that is for him to think of. And hell, but Steve’s so damn tired of pushing Bucky away. He’s exhausted to his bones as it is, but keeping Bucky at length is harder on him than drawing away from anyone else could ever be. Steve’s used to being tired all the time, used to throwing himself at metaphorical brick walls, but this battle is different because despite everything, there’s a small, vital part of him that refuses to fight.
Steve inhales through his nose slowly, lets it out just as slow, feeling himself relent. ] But I — I don’t think I’m in much shape to. Talk much, at the table. They won’t mind, right? [ This is Steve quietly requesting, without actually saying it out loud, that Bucky whisk him away after dinner. ]
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they may not share blood or a last name, but steve is every bit bucky's brother. they've spent more nights sharing a room than not in their childhood, steve's ma had cooked bucky's dinner almost as often as his own did, and offered him kind words of wisdom when he's needed them. they're family in all the ways that matter, they're more family than bucky and those relatives would ever be.
he smiles at that huff of amusement, a smile that widens when steve finally - finally - relents and agrees to something. he's so happy, he could fly. ]
Rebecca won't let you slip a word in edgewise even if you wanted to. [ helping steve straighten himself up, he claps his shoulder again. he'll warn his family to let him be, though he also trusts them to figure out on their own that the fact steve came over at all is nothing short of a miracle. they can't afford to spook him. just knowing he's safe, warm, fed, and tended to is bound to guarantee bucky gets the best night's sleep he's had since mrs. rogers' passing - he'll take it. ]
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Least you can do is smile back, Rogers.
He manages one as Bucky helps him up, thinks about saying something like Yeah, she takes after her big brother, as an attempt at levity, but decides against it. Bucky deserves better than a half-hearted joke. ]
Thank you.
[ Quiet but earnest, as Bucky claps him on the shoulder, letting his own grip on him loosen and gently fall away as they both straighten. There’s a fleeting twinge inside Steve, a soft voice inside him protesting that loss of contact, sounding much like the little boy he was when Bucky first walked into his life, bringing warmth with him. Steve ignores it, lets it smother into silence as they exit the alleyway without further preamble.
The rest of the walk passes by in a blur, Steve’s gaze trained on his feet, and it feels like it’s only been a few minutes before they’re approaching the Barnes residence. The sight of Bucky’s home rings a dusty bell in the back of Steve’s mind, and he slows to a stop, tugging at Bucky’s shirt sleeve. ]
Bucky, wait, gimme a — I gotta ...
[ Just because the Barneses have seen him worse doesn’t mean he should just waltz in there like this, and Steve’s vaguely annoyed at himself for forgetting his manners. He’s always tried to look his best in front of Bucky’s family, occasional accidents aside, and they haven’t seen him in weeks. Shame prickles down Steve’s spine as he pulls out a comb and tries to fix his hair, roughly tugging through the strands. ]
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You're welcome. [ what to most is nothing but an automatic polite response is meant in earnest when spoken to steve. there is no one, outside of the family that resides within the barnes' apartment, who could possibly be more welcome than steve in their home, at their table, and in bucky's heart. if the price he has to pay for his company is a little silence and censuring of question, a little encouraging of becca's natural tendency to prattle on? he's more than willing to pay.
when steve stops just shy of his home, bucky steels himself for another argument, another round of exhausting sparring with steve's stubborn insistence of doing everything and anything all on his own. it's the sheer relief that washes over him when he understands what halted steve's steps that makes him laugh at the sight of that comb, and he pitches in, straightening out steve's jacket. ]
You know it's just going to get mussed anyway. [ after such a long absence? steve is going to get hugged, and that, that bucky can't nor has any desire to shield him from, the guy could use it. ]
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As it is, Steve’s grateful for the extra help — no mirrors nearby — and while Bucky fixes the fit his coat, he runs a tongue over his busted lip, tasting copper and hoping he’s got the last of it. Or at least as much as he can get off without water, anyway. He finishes off by sucking at his teeth and swallowing, since there’s nowhere to spit, and then meets Bucky’s eyes with his own.
There isn’t much of a light in them, but Steve’s trying. Knows he has to get through at least dinner and pretend to be a real boy throughout, instead of the marionette he feels like these days, and he can only hope that it isn’t obvious to anyone but Bucky. ]
Gotta give 'em something to muss, then. Make it worth Becca’s while.
[ That’s a good start, at least. He brushes off his shirt and adjusts his suspenders one last time before nodding at Bucky. There’s still a residual unsteadiness in his limbs, and the pain in both his stomach and his head is a continuous throb, but it’s nothing he can’t handle. ]
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Don't you worry about Becca. [ god knows that girl will make it worth her own while. bucky's incredibly proud of his sister, even his teasing of her reflects that. his siblings, steve very much included on that list, are some of his greatest inspirations in life, and sometimes he marvels at the fact that they don't seem to know just how much he admires them both.
he puts the finishing touches by wiping some of the dust off of steve, and wraps his arm around his shoulders all over again, undoing some of his own fine work on that coat and not giving a single damn about it. ]
Time to face the music, pal. [ the music, in this case, being becca's happy shrills and ma's worried fussing. he leads him inside, still a little nervous that if they delay any longer steve will change his mind. ]